Small town Mom's with BIG ideas

2012-01-24T15:26:00.001-05:00

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My boys

2012-01-10T03:00:00.001-05:00

I know from time to time, I ask for girl time. I live with all boys.

This week has reminded me that sometimes that isn't a bad thing. Maybe instead of being odd one out, it's more like I'm a spoiled princess.

My dad has the biggest heart. He is the most selfless man I know. He would give anything to make us happy. He drove 4 hours to make grandkids happy. Froze at park. Missed football. Is always helping around the house.

My hubby is working 12 hours sometimes more. He went on at 4am so he would be home by 7pm to take me for a MRI. Then he spent weekend taking care of me. Now he is trying to adjust to insanity at work. I know he is worried. Have brain MRI too.

My son makes sure I'm loved. he works hard and makes me proud. We had great night. Registered for swimming and then we did dinner just two of us. He is also being very open, asking us questions and maturing. Plus even trying some new classes that I recommended and being a good sport keeping me company tomorrow at MRI.

In addition to my guys, I got good friends. My mom always went with me for test results. I think bc my chance of it being cancer was less than 2% per the Dr at my biopsy. I went by myself to get the results. I should of known I was last pt of the days, I was called bc they needed to see my few mm incision. But heck I had no risk factors, I was 29 with new baby. I was listening to Van Morrison with the windows down on my way to drs. My last carefree moment on my life. She felt bad I was alone then. So she tried to always go. I've gotten bad news over the years but have been ok. The brain scares me but lepto meta scare me even more. My onc, told my dad she would hopefully have results for my apt Wed. I'm anxious. I feel like people get weary praying for good results. But I feel like prayers have been answered bc tests lately have been ok. Not good news but nothing horrible. Feel better with a safety net of someone there. My boys are all swamped then so my dear friends are coming with me. Hopefully it's good news and we will go out and celebrate!!! Some girl time.
Back to talking about Girl time.

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Pain, pain go away

2011-12-17T01:45:00.001-05:00

Ugh I have a stupid rash from tykerb and now today I have horrible pain in my left abdominal and getting no relief at all.

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2011-12-08T13:27:00.001-05:00

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Bad night

2011-12-07T04:46:00.001-05:00

For the second time in a week, I am still awake at 5 am due to abdominal pain. Right now I curled up in the chair in my bedroom. Took every drug in my arsenal but no relief. Honestly it just stinks. No sleep.

Hubby is off and we had nice day. He is such a good guy. My dad surprised us and bought Danish and stuff for when we got up. Dear son stayed home from school but still did all his work. Crazy week with three tests.

I feels bad even complaining about the pain. My sons friend has bad stomach pains. It breaks my heart that he is in such pain. The pain I have tonight, I wouldn't wish on anyone but to think of an eleven year old going through it. :( at least I can sit here and offer some prayers.

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December

2011-12-01T07:44:00.001-05:00

Today marks official count down to Christmas and meterlogical start to winter. All things I love.

For me, the holidays bring such a mixed emotion. I Love them. Buying presents to make others happy, the decorations and reflection of lights on the snow, the tree and how each ornament tells a story and the food.

But each holiday brings worry.normally it's will I be here next year? But this year so many people died just last week in my support group. I wonder will I even be here this Christmas. three of these women weren't even where you would think Death is near.

I worry, will someone make cookies with Shay? Spoil him? Make sure we do Something for those less fortunate ? Make sure that Christmas is still celebrated and happy despite being sad.

I do have a lot to be thankful for. Tonight is FPS reception. We have food, warmth, family and friends .

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11 16

2011-11-17T02:17:00.001-05:00

Good day, Drs visit was uneventful. Your teacher asked me if you would be ok with a service project at Gildas club which is a place to help families effected by cancer. I hope you can get some support.
I thought it was nice that they asked before picking it.

Report card day was good. Different as you said your "report card" was "ok" since there were few grades just science. But then with email part we went over it and you did great. Improved some spots. Got a b in science and she said you did outstanding work. That was your hardest course. Everything else was great . This has been so different and u are working so hard at writing better , holding pencil, studying, listening taking notes it's so much new stuff. You always worry I will get mad or be disappointed. I love you and am so proud. You always try.

Tonight you shocked me, you asked for flounder for dinner. Plus this week you have up French fries and onion rings. You are trying new things and eating healthier making better food choices.

When I give you suggestions on looking at calories in what we eat, it's not bc I think you need to lose weight. We all could eat healthier and I want to give you guideline to do it bc I worry about leaving you so I cram as much info as I can. Pop pop loves u and just wants you happy. If that means letting you eat a box of muffins so be it. Moderation is good. Eat healthy things and a few treats but in moderation.

Same thing when I tell you you should know math facts better. You do well in math but if you have them memorized it would help. I worry again I wont be here and have another chance to remind you.

My other words of wisdom. Mke flas cards for definitions or main ideas in study guides the read through notes and add info to the cards that way all of it ends up group in one spot. Underline key differences or words to help you remember and color code if needed. Don't wait to last minute. Be kind but don't let people walk all over you. Save money. Credit cards are only for emergencies and necessarities not wants. Deodorant Every day. Moisturize brush and floss. Toilet seat down when finished and wash your hands. Treasure your first kiss. Listen to ck and poppop. Relax less stress.

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faces of metastatic breast cancer

2011-10-17T10:04:00.001-04:00

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Er, pet scan and news

2011-10-07T22:04:00.001-04:00

Felt horrible yesterday. Arm tremor was whole arm . Lasted hours. Had bad headache. Called oncologist never hear from her so off to Er we went.

Er was a trip. Got drugs for migraine that gave me terrifying dystonic reaction. Arms and legs uncontrollable , curling up, became agitated. Cured headache. No clue on the arm. Every one just stares. I took videos I will try and upload.

Pet showed progression of adrenal mets and new cancer in mammary lymph nodes. So new chemo. Running out of options. We discussed Tykerb and Xeloda. Even though I did Xeloda previously and it only worked short time. Havelen she likes but there are no published studies on it with herceptin. Trying to see if I fit criteria for TDM-I .

No idea on tremor. I made appointment with my neurologist. Also going to check with my plastic surgeon to see if he has any ideas. I do think that the stress I am under with this move maybe exacerbating things.

Pet def could of been worse. I am grateful for what it is. My sons new school is amazing. They agreed to let him finish year there because when we move we will be in another elementary school. In fact they offered us some gift cards to help with food and clothes. Which is sweet.

Need to sign lease on new place and then I can relax and start new chemo.

Will start chemo same week we are moving out of this heck hole Mess we rented and uprooting ourselves for the third time this year.

That is it . Thanks for listening.

Sent from my iPod

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Hmmm

2011-10-05T08:20:00.001-04:00

I had CT scan and then saw my oncologist. Of course my arm which has tremors all the time did it 4 times in her office and she missed them UGH.

CT SCAN showed more progression in Adrenal met, its 1 cm bigger in each of its 3 measurements so guess its 3cm bigger?? Lung mets the same, the liver and gall bladder looked good and no abdominal tumors seen.

However I still feel ill. So its a Pet scan, then we will discuss MRIs. She told me to try Ativan and an abdominal medicine for the pain and spasms.

So some good news, some progression and lots more questions.

My onc is going to think about things, look at all reports. I have had so many tests last 7 months. Try to get PET approved and then go from there.

She said this is the cross roads where we decided if we switch tx or not.

I would like cause of the pain in abdomen and back and the reason my arm is spasming up even as I type this to be found.

Thanks for letting me vent and get my fears out there. I miss my mom so much days like today b/c I need to get them out. my boys are awesome support but maybe its a girl thing I just miss. I am scared of what the heck is going on with my body b/c losing some function in your dominant hand terrifies me and my QOL. As I was falling asleep my entire shoulder was jerking, my husband was shocked at how bad it is. Wish I had videotaped it.

That is all for today.

add a comment.

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So scared

2011-10-04T07:18:00.001-04:00

I have had a feeling of doom, like I was going to die soon for last two months.

The abdominal pain is there, but yesterday I developed back pain and myoclonus in my right arm that progressively got worse as day went on. Numbness foot and hand.

I need to be ok to get us settled in new house, shay school worked out and see him through sixth grade. I want that so bad. He is an amazing kid. With all that he has been. Through he keeps going. Tells me moving is ok, he is fine with small, would prefer we could find place we stay in. He wants to know he has taken good care of me, he does the best job even though I don't think a kid should take care of parents. His love, hugs and help gave me the last nine years. Seven more than anyone thought but as we saw with my mom sometimes our bodies can't fight anymore.

I feel like this is it but I don't want it to be. I just feel like my entire body is failing all at once.

Please pray for us.

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What a Day

2011-09-29T00:06:00.001-04:00

What a Day
I am sitting at chemo. I have had abdominal pain right side under ribs. Now bloating or ascities has started I think. Not real noticeable but lost three pounds but couldn't button my pants yesterday that fit me a few weeks ago. I don't feel horrible but feel uncomfortable. Nauseous don't want to eat.

I have ct scan on Tuesday. My onc just stopped by chemo chair to tell me she will call me tues night but be prepared for chemo switch Wed. But while deep down I just know something isn't right and its most likely progression. Ultrasound ruled out gallbladder. I was still shocked to hear that. She can't tell me what chemo she would switch me to bc she doesn't know Exactally what we are dealing with. I do not do well with sudden changes at all with my chemo.

I am just Freaking out a bit. Any ideas what chemo might be next in line.

On top of that I just moved in July and landlord informed us last night that she will not renew our lease so have to move again in 60 days. My son has Developmental Dyspraxia. Met with school yesterday and they said he has problems with transitions but is adjusting. He needs to stay in this school. I am so impressed with their curriculum and services. Most importantly he is doing great socially, kids are awesome and he is happy.

Last year was so bad. Last year today we left for Orlando thanks to http://www.takeabreakfromcancer.org/

That was really one of only a few bright spots. Cancer impacts so much of our lives.

On a happy note I will blog about in coming weeks, will be 9 years with mets.

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Posted by Kelly K. at 9:05 PM
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I voted

2011-09-25T23:33:00.000-04:00

It is that easy just text 108814 to Pepsi (73774) to vote from your mobile everyday until 9/30

I voted for @askaters at http://pep.si/qFDHaa you should too. #ivotedforaskate

Please help kids with Autism and A.skate Foundation

2011-09-25T23:15:00.001-04:00

The A.Skate Foundation is a non-profit organization helping kids with autism learn how to ride skateboards. They're in a contest being hosted by Pepsi in an effort to win $50,000 to help continue funding their cause.

It means the world when kids with autism get to do things other kids do. The motion can be soothing and the self confidence it build is priceless.

If you wanna help them win the contest (they just have to be in the Top 10 Most Voted For), go to this website:

www.refresheverything.com/askate

Then, on the right-hand side, click on the button that says, "Vote for this idea". It'll then ask you to "Log In", which you can do through your FaceBook account. This should then result in your vote being counted.

You can also put in another vote for them by texting 108814 to 73774. (Standard messaging rates apply.)

Hope

2011-09-19T16:06:00.000-04:00

Holding onto Hope. Sometimes its all you have. Many days it keeps me going when Chemo and Life have just kicked me in the butt.

Yet on 8/19/10, I had hoped ripped from my hand. When I didn't expect it at all. The day before my mom had her stroke. She was talking, asked me if she had a stroke, told me she loved me, asked that I stay by her side, When I left her that night she was hitting her head and said it hurt, said a few nonsensical things. I kissed her and the nurse came in with soem pain meds.

Came to hospital on 8/19, she wasn't talking but seemed to be resting comfortably. Casually a neurologist came by and said she had 72 hours to live, her barin was swelling and there was nothing they could do.

WHAT!!!!! There was NO HOPE.

And he was right, she slipped away, we made DNR order and said our gooodbyes to amazing person.

NO HOPE........

I saw this hand and hope stone yesterday while shopping in a metaphysical store my mom would of loved.

It reminded me of her, smelt like her, awoke in me many happy memories.

So I bought it, to remind me that Hope is all we have sometimes, sometimes it isn't enough, maybe in the Hope that she continues to guide me, watches over us.

Class of 2012

2011-09-15T01:10:00.001-04:00

I know what you are thinking. Big deal it's a shirt. But this shirt represents so much more to me. Today was the second day of team building ropes course rock wall Sixth Grade trip. The school gave the shirts out before they left this am. One activity today was to set a goal. Maybe that was climb to top of tree or make it half way up 45 ft. Rock Wall. With encouragement, support from friends, guts and some luck the kids made their goals.

When I was dxed with mets I was told I would probably never see my son start kindergarten, high school would be a finding holy grail type miracle. Our old school didn't do anything when kids were done elementary school but here at new school they celebrate finishing elementary school and do a lot of fun activities with the kids. Today coming home sick from chemo and seeing the 2012 shirt just brought me to tears. Maybe it's bc this is the week my mom dies last year so suddenly. But this year is probably my only shot to see my son " graduate" and share all those activities. This shirt meant I Made it to a goal. Maybe I haven't made it to graduation but I made to see the first of the Class of 2012 items!!!!

I pray and want more than anything to still be here in June to see it. I feel so blessed to have all that I have seen. I almost hate putting it out there in the universe how much it means to be here for this year bc I put out there how excited we were for Disney and bam out of no where my mon dies the week before we left. I know how many of my friends passed away and how unfair the universe seems.

Yet in the unfairness, I was told I would never have kids and I am blessed with a sweet good kid. He spent the last two days challenging himself, overcoming a fear of heights and really blossoming as a leader, and friend. One of the tallest most athletic kids in the grade is also amazingly kind and sweet. He has kind of taken my son under his wing a bit and has been great with helping with the transition. So this kid sets a goal of climbing to the top of the tallest tree and he does but then panics and can not push off to slide down. My son took a lot of time and empathetically told the story of him learning to dive. He also told P what a great job he was doing. Yesterday they did a tight rope across trees. If you stumbled there were support people fellow students there to hold you up, support you , help keep you on your path and encourage you to keep going.

A good lesson for life. I know have been so lucky to have good support of family and friends.
Hopefully with some luck I will post more Class of 2012 Activities.

Moving on UP

2011-07-08T00:36:00.001-04:00

We did it!! After 6 months of being apart we are finally all in the same state. The move was long and way to much work. My poor dad is exhausted, sick and looks like hell.I think it was bittersweet for him to leave NJ. It was the last place he lived with my mom and also the place she took the stroke.

Driving up last night, Katrina asked if I was sad. Honestly, I am just too tired to be sad. plus my boy is sad enough for all of us. Yet he has matured so much on this move. He sat holding the dogs leash to keep him away from the mover since Nico escaped the first place we put him. He sat with the dog for 4 hours. He helped unpack, is understanding of his stuff being everywhere. Helped me clean his room tonight. Plus he went to tennis today not knowing a soul and did well. Crazy starting tennis lessons two hrs after movers leave, yes. But I wanted to show him that there are the things he enjoys here in PA and get him out with some kids. He has been ok with his attitude. I just hope he isn't keeping it bottled up inside. I worry about him.

Hubs went to tennis tonight. He took today off and it was a huge help.

Me I hurt, am exhausted and drained. Going to move chemo to Monday. I know it's so important to stay on schedule but with everything this weekend, plus needing to be there so early and my dad being sick. I would not be helping myself any favors just running myself in the ground

Well I owe a blog on last two days in NJ maybe tomorrow

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Tonight I am thankful for Family, good friends, hot showers and tylenol with codin.e

2011-07-03T22:23:00.001-04:00

First off, I am doing these blogs on my phone, the spell check is crazy and I have a hard time editing. So all.typos are mine and I will.fix.them when I get back on a computer .

Last night was a good night. My dear son offered to buy me dinner at the church fest . Was good night for.him. he got to.hang out with some friends, have dinner with them and do a few.rides. he is lucky all the girls.here are so nice. Madly, Abby and Nat made.sure they included him in sitting with them. The he and.Sean took off to do the rides. He won the gift basket he wanted. I had nice time chatting with the.good people I will.miss from here.

Today was more packing. My dad left at 4 am to take a load to new house. Hubby came home and we packed. Dear son is at sleepover so I got almost all.his room.packed up. Will.finish in am. I can see the finish line.

However I may be like the people you see crawling over the finish line. I hurt from bottom of my feet to top of my head. Too much lifting, bending, crawling under beds ugh.

Well hubby just got in bed . Time to say goodnight.

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What is love?? what makes a good mate?

2011-07-02T23:40:00.001-04:00

I was having dinner with friends earlier this week. Two of us are married and one is single.

The single friend was saying how now she wants a guy that has a good job, likes kids, will take the kids fishing, and treats her well.

We all are drawn to people that we are physically attracted to initially but to truly be happy I think its what is on the inside that sustains us in a relationship.

Romance for me has changed so much as I age. Flowers, fancy dinners it nights out have been replaced by simple things. I love my husband always sets up my coffee in the am, that even in his sleep he reaches out and rubs my back. He listens to me , loves me and puts up with me.
Today he worked 8 extra hours despite feeling horrible, went to.home depot looking for a.shelving unit I wanted, came home and assembled our new.tv stand and the shelving unit until 11:15 pm and will get up at 6 help my dad unload another load of moving stuff and then drive 2 hrs to help me pack.
That makes my life easier. He makes sure we are taken care of.

Love to me is shown in so many ways that makes my heart glow. Maybe cleaning up dog puke,or fixing a car or assembling furniture isn't romantic to most but it means the world to me to feel safe and loved.

Heck, looks fade, things happen like chemo and baldness but I have never felt more loved and attracted to my hubby.

Thanks.babe.......

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Saved by Melissa at Verizon FIOS or Comcast (Oops xfinity) stinks.

2011-07-01T03:11:00.002-04:00

Moving is a stressful time. Add that the hubs has been away last few months in new state working, weekly chemo, a dear child who does not want to move and after evaluating all you have to pack secretly thinking you need to call Hoarders.

So I have had comcast on my own 20 years plus 6 when I lived at home as a teen. Back when MTV played music videos. There is a problem with my new address. Even though I have cable wire everywhere in the new house. Plus a box outside. They need to survey my house. Told me Sunday it would be done in 48 hours, then we can set up installation date. Call today and am told it will more likely be 15 business days. Add in holiday and it's late July before I even get to set up installation. Great. My dad's one pleasure is MLB extra innings, hubs watches NASCAR, ten year old wants tv and Vod and well me, I need my Hoarders.So the new house is also wired for FIOS so we bite the bullet reluctantly and call. Melissa walked us through the process answered all my inane questions. Gives us more channels with no contract. And will be out to install with in 24 hours of our TVs arriving here. All for drumroll............ A savings of 150 dollars a month.I joke with her that I am so excited I feel like I am in a commercial

I will keep you posted .

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"My Body" by Young the Giant MY ANTHEM FOR METASTATIC BREAST CANCER

2011-05-19T14:05:00.000-04:00

This song just keeps me going on my bad days. Funny how songs can have such an impact on you. BTW their debut Album is $5.00 from Amazon in May.

Stop, the train is ridin down to the station
where you lived when we were school kids
Hey, the rails are caught now
And I am falling down fools in a spiral
Round this town of steam
My Body tells me no, but I won't quit
Cause I want more, cause I want more
My Body tells me no, but I won't quit
Cause I want more, cause I want more

Stop the train is riding down to the station where I lived
When I was a cool kid
Hey, is it my fault that the fallen embers burn down in a spiral
Round your crown of thieves
My Body tells me no, but I won't quit
cause I want more, cause I want more
My Body tells me no, but I won't quit
cause I want more, cause I want more
And it rides out of town

Oh, it's my road, it's my road, it's my road
It's my road, it's my road, iIt's my road

And it's my war, It's my war, it's my war
It's my war
His eyes are open
His eyes are open
Oh, cause I want more, I want more
Want more
His eyes are open
His eyes are open

(Hey, hey, hey)
My body tells me no but I won't quit
Cause I want more, cause I want more
My body tells me no but I wont quit
Cause I want more cause I want more
It rides out of town

http://www.youngthegiant.com/ Check them out

Where Did Spring GO?

2011-05-05T15:42:00.001-04:00

Wow, been a long time since I posted. I feel like it was dead of winter in February and now its hot as summer in early May.

DS is doing well. Worked his but off last semester and every teacher noted how much he had improved. I couldn't be prouder. The A/B honor roll was just the icing on the cake.

Started packing for the BIG move back home to PA. UGH is all I can say. Not about the move so much but the packing. I swear I am going to start living a minimalist existence.

Can't believe my mom has been gone going on 8 months. This week is the hardest. Last year her bday and Mother's Day were the same and we had a stupid disagreement in the am but a nice family dinner in the evening. I know my mom knew how much I loved her and how she was my best friend. But its still hard. This year Mother's Day is Sunday and her Bday Monday. Then chemo on Tuesday.

Speaking of chemo, its going OK. Cancer is stable. That takes some getting used to, not better not worse. I have never been stable. Switched up the schedule, I go every week but hopefully with less side effects.

I am thankful for a family that loves me and the sunshine today : )

Lord Of The Dance - Siamsa

2011-03-17T23:13:00.000-04:00

Feel good, Makes me happy every time I hear it, visually love to see it, great Irish dancing. Happy St. Patrick's Day.

Mol an latha math mu oidhche.
Praise the good day at the close of it

"Army Wives" Season 5 Preview

2011-03-15T00:44:00.000-04:00

Next week's episode looks like I will be back to crying each week. I know this show is not accurate portrayal of all the sacrifices military families give or struggles they face, That we are eternally grateful. It gives me a tiny glimpse into that and makes me more conscious of wanting to do more and support Military Families.

I Love St Patrick's Day at the Jersey Shore - The Snakes

2011-03-12T23:37:00.001-05:00

Great tribute to all the local towns and St. Patty's Day. Just in time for tomorrow's parade.

Attitude and those days

2011-03-07T12:01:00.001-05:00

So yesterday was a pretty crappy day. I'll get into that in a bit.

I didn't want to get out of bed. Leg cramps and worry kept me up last night. I am now sitting in recliner at chemotherapy, Pandora radio on in my ear. What song comes on, the Hawaiian version of Somewhere Over Rainbow, Dr. Greene was listening to it when he died of cancer on the tv show ER, just perfect. Just f'in perfect.
The Attitude you notice is not one of my better ones. So often, you hear your positive attitude makes a difference. Really, for those that die, were they not happy enough.
My dear friend Cathy died Sat night. We met my first week I joined the bc club. Our kids were a week apart. Our cancers so similar, spread same places. Her cancer ultimately spread to lining of brain and spinal cord. How can I not worry about that being me. I sit here with legs that are numb, pain in my back, all symptoms she had. I worry I could have only a few months or weeks some days. Seems more women on my support group, feel good and then bam liver failure and are gone. Atdd that to abdominal fullness and what I think is swelling and I am scared out of my mind. SCARED.
Yet my job ad mom, wife and dtr is to try to keep life moving . I asked for help last night. I am so overwhelmed. Cleaning out my moms room to get ready for fire inspection, sort papers, still dealing with bill collectors over my moms estate. I punished my son for lying and he cried, told him another day he needed to show me more respect. He cried. Well who knows how much time We have left. I shouldn't get people upset. Sunshine and lollipops.
Last night, after having spent day, telling husband who is only home 48 hours a week on the weekends, that I'm at half way on Abraxane, I'm tired, struggling.
I was told he is sick of my woe is me attitude. Once again, I'm not allowed anything but Sunshine and Lollipops. Glue keeps people together and not allowed to be real. I feel bad b/ c as my friend Angelique is at hospital with her critically injured firefighter husband. I am screaming at mine, everything that has been bottled up. I actually felt better, like a release.( I should add we are only two hone). Of course, I'm unfair and hubby is pissed.
I stayed up most of night. Angelique and Mike both battled cancer before their dtr was six. Now they are in fight of their lives again. I am still here and Cathy isn't.
Honestly I didn't want to get out of bed this am. Honesty, I am still angry that bad things happen to good people, angry that kids like Madison, Shay, Dominick,Larry Gianna, need to go through all they have and not get to be "kids". Angry that the only place, I can be pissed off is here on my blog with two whole followers.

Tracy died last week of bc, she too left 2 small kids. Every Day she posted what she was thankful for. Her blog so uplifting and happy.
Today, I am thankful for this blog, finding out the witch girl at Starbucks has a heart, and hopefully a nap.

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Please Pray for Mike and his family.

2011-03-04T23:48:00.001-05:00

Injured firefigher's family asks for prayers| 6abc.com | 6abc.com

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St Patricks Day 2011

2011-03-04T22:38:00.002-05:00

Lucky Clover St. Patrick's Day

Find unique birthday and Valentine's cards at Shutterfly.

View the entire collection of cards.

Look how great our Annual St. Patrick's Day card turned out. Shutterfly makes it so easy. Older pics were already in my older albums. This year is a look back at 10 years of St. Patty's Days!
Friends and Family really look forward to our annual cards and it is our favorite holiday.

Great Job

2011-02-25T10:41:00.001-05:00

Very proud of 100 on essay. Son worked so hard on it. Putting it out there, so when teacher writes wrong grade down, I have proof.
You have been working so hard this year to improve. Loved when you said it was all coming together

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Great Job

2011-02-25T09:57:00.001-05:00

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Treatment update started Leukine

2011-02-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

So I started the the Abraxane 3 weeks on one off plus Herceptin on 12/1/2010. It has been hard. Spent three months feeling pretty blah and bad. Only leaving house mainly for Drs. I spent first week in bed.

My week off has been the best week. Third week is the worst.

My counts have been low on this. Anemic but just at the borderline for treatment been 10.1-10.4 hgb. Can get treatment if its below 10. Normal is above 12.

For the first time in the 9 years of being on some chemo or treatment, my white count (that fights infection has tanked). I am trying to avoid people and my oncology nurse recommended Leukine shots .

Typically people get Neupogen or Neulasta. No one on bcmets.org or ysc have had this. So I am a guinnea pig. In fact I can find little on using it for low counts from chemo alone in breast cancer excpet for one study.

So I thought I would write about my experience with this drug. So when others search online, there is something there.

Leukine has been used after bone marrow transplants, before and after stem cell transplants, following chemo in adults with AML (acute leukemia)

There is a study that suggested it may help Herceptin although it was one study and small.Also those in study got the shot daily, I am doing every other day.

Leukin is similar to neupogen in that it stimulates neutrophils like those to drugs , but it also stimulates monocytes/macrophages, and myeloid-derived dendritic cells.Why is that good? Well because although your white count isn't made up of as many of these two types, they do help fight infection.

Neutrophils are the most abundant white blood cells and the first to respond to an infection. Their purpose is to capture and digest things such as bacteria

Monocytes also fight infections and capture bacteria and viruses but they recognize more invaders and are longer acting.

Dendritic Cells make up less that 1% of your white blood cells but they scan the environment and alert other cells when they find invading organisms.

I got the shot subcutaneously in the fat in may arm. You can also use the abdomen and legs. I will alternate b/w my one usable arm and abdomen. The shot should be brought up to room temperature and given over 30-60 seconds to decrease pain. The site may become red, swollen and itch. They told me to apply ice if it bothers me, I can also use benadryl by mouth or topical cream for the itching.

Typical dosing is 250-500 mcg depending on weight. I got 400mcg. I am 5'7 about 175. You can not get the shot 24 hours before or after chemo, I was told.

I got 2 Tylenol before the shot and was told to take Tylenol every 4 hours around the clock for side effects. Side effects include pain (which they said could be quite bad, she said pain would be mainly in the sternum), chills, achy flu feeling, low grade fever. Plus the discomfort at the injection site,

There are severe side effects associated with this: fluid retention, can increase pleural effusions, rash, hives, high fever, seizures, shortness of breath.

I had to stay 20 minutes after the shot to make sure I did not have a severe reaction before I was allowed to go home. I had brought myself so not sure if I had brought someone with me if this would still of been the case.

I go back Friday fro another one and then CBC on Monday to see where my count is. That is my off week from chemo so hopefully it works. Start back on cycle 4 of Abraxane 3/7.

I was told my insurance will cover this.

STRESSED

2010-11-29T23:05:00.000-05:00

Chemo is starting and I feel unprepared. I have been cooking up a storm today to tray and get some meals put away. I have no wig or hats. I need to get a few inches cut off my hair.

I want to make baked macaroni, my mom made it best. All white not really saucy but creamy. I am never going to be able to replicate that. It was somethings she made out of love b/c honestly she didnt like it and never ate it. My dad and I love it with apple sauce. I need to make a few meatloafs so my son has what he likes made lasagna and beef stew today. Have so much more cleaning and shopping to get done and am out of time.

My mom would of helped me with all this and kept it going. No one here thinks hmmm I should make her, her favorite foods. Heck the boys here don't even cook. What they fail to realize is pizza and stuff is a treat and when I am going through chemo normally one of the last things I want. Salads make me sick to my stomach. I like bland homey foods.

I never ordered a hat or wig, I have 7-14 days til my hair falls out and I am so unprepared its terrifying me. Can't do woll b/c it itches same with hard baseball hats they dont fit great on bald head, Plus I will be losing my hair in a odd pattern. I am just so not ready. I dont have to many clothes with V necks b/c I haven't had port in so long. I am getting up making meatloafs, hoping to get a few inches of hair cut off picking up our family portrait and then heading out to stay at Hotel before chemo.

I can't believe how behind I am. I can't be out in crowds too much, I never got to the store with my son to pick out my hat. My mom would of made sure I had one and a wig.

I am just so lost and its so hard. People dont understand. I cant find the time or energy to put clothes away and straighten out my drawers. What about Christmas, its me on chemo again, no hair, my first Christmas without my mom. I have to decorate. A lot of shit I have to do myself, Somehow my mom just made it all easier. I still have to clean out her room.
Finding the energy to cook, get homeowork done, shop for hats, get ready for Christmas is overwhelming me. Plus dog needs a bath and rabies shot at vet. Still need to get my son his flu vaccine. I need a personal assistant,

I dreamt about my mom again, she was meeting with all these Drs, while I was shopping. She was trying to save my life apparently something about my port and I was sicker than I knew...SO not even in my sleep do I get a break.

The Good

2010-11-29T22:49:00.000-05:00

I am so blessed to have good friends who see me through the good and bad days. My son what can I say, he is becoming an amazing young man. I love his attitude , he really has been so much more positive letting little things go, more social and happy. He worked hard this year despite being fully mainstreamed, missing school for our make a wish trip to Florida and the death of my mom, he got 2 B's and rest A's made the honor roll and made me cry. Not just the grades but because how hard he works and always tries his best. I got to go to school for parent day. Some kids were unruly but he was focused and worked to the best of his ability.

Some people say I am too hard on him. Sometimes I feel like I have such a short time to teach him what I want. Then I see him in action and say I gotta let him be b/c he is kind, hardworking, funny and an all around good kid.

Went out with friends last week to celebrate us before the Abraxane. Got my port put in and my friends took me there and back. Got to go to Dc with my dad, son and friends. The boys had a good time. We saw the museums and monuments. Thanks to Eddie at the Hilton Garden Inn, we had an amazing stay.

My hubby couldn't go but he worked and then cleaned the house, built a train platform and fixed some things. I am lucky to have him b/c he is supportive was great last week when I really missed my mom and hos stresses I am with chemo coming. He packed everything for our trip.

My dad is always a good support and a great help with house stuff, my son or driving us to DC. I love him and am lucky,

Thanks everyone for all you do.

argh

2010-11-10T23:38:00.001-05:00

So my oncologist and I have had many conversations lately about test anxiety, stress,fear of the unknown etc... Call me let me know. It has not been good news lately but she still calls. Typically if its good news, I know in 3 days bad news is a week b/ c she personally reviews the films.

Now she knows I am very anxious since the death of my mom. My oncologist called my mom her friend on one the last visits she came with me. I sent my onc a crazy email when my mom was dying b/ c she knows me best. She called to ask about my mom and check on my dad ( he is her pt too).
So here I am 11 days out from scan and not a peep. I see her tomorrow.
I have two scenarios in my head:
1 my results got lost
2. It's so bad, as in we can do nothing for you bad, that she has to tell me in person. See if it was the typical bad news she would call me or set me up for Petscan or talk biops surgery whatever. Not normally no news is good news. But once no news was good news ( staff called me and told me she had to discuss results, she wanted them to tell me on phone)
I was fine until 2 hours ago when house became still, my work was done and my mind free to wander. Now I know I won't sleep. I' be been so afraid since my mom died that I am going to die soon. Like she went so early to get things ready for me.
I'm truly living like I am dying. There is so much pressure to do everything,get everything done, to see everything.
I'm just scared.

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Shutterfly Christmas Cards

2010-11-10T11:54:00.002-05:00

Sweet And Retro Christmas Card

Shop Shutterfly.com for elegant Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

Just ordered my Christmas cards, What do you think? They were 20% off list price. Had code for additional 20% off order, used freeship30 and got free shipping. I was shopping via Upromise so 8% goes into college fund.
Shutterfly is easy to use and a I have always had great customer experience, good service and wonderful deals. We love the photobooks.

less than 50 days until Christmas

Twitter

2010-11-10T11:47:00.000-05:00

Just hit a 100 followers. If I get to 250 before 12/8/10 at 11:59pm. One lucky follower picked via randomizer will win a $25 target gc.

Follow me @smalltownmoms

What a weekend

2010-11-01T00:32:00.001-04:00

So my son had his first school dance. He woke up Friday, insisting he did not want to go. I struggled with all the mom issues, maybe 10 is too young, is he not ready,it will be fun I know once he gets there....
After school still not sure if he was going. Said one reason he was going was b/ c he knew I thought it was a good idea but was really afraid, they would just play slow songs and there isn't any girls that he likes.

Thankfully, he decided to go, met up with friends. They survived and had fun. One of them did slow dance. Afterwards, he said he felt more grown up having gone.

It is a joy watching him turn from a sweet boy, into a still sweet but more mature tween. Watching the boys lag behind the girls on the maturity department. Enjoying the now 30 minute showers and hair styling sessions but still liking lego. They want to grow up yet still need their moms a lot.

This has been a hard semester for him, my mom died, his friend' s mom died and the boy had to move away and now a 6 th grader passed away this week. So life has been giving the kids some lessons on how cruel it can be..
Today, they chased each other around, sat and played on their phones and danced at a birthday party. Was good to see lids being kids and nice seeing my son just jumping in . Having fun, hanging with friends literally growing up before my eyes.

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Online shopping

2010-10-17T12:30:00.000-04:00

So as most of you know, I am a busy mom trying to make do. I am always in search of a good deal and then make sure I tell others. We buy almost all my hubby's and son's clothes at Kohls. I love their quality and selection. I BUY everything online. Even order my groceries online.

So today I was shocked to have this happen. I was even ordering my son's Halloween costume. I have chemo next week and its easier to just order it and know that it is here. Website says spend $75 get free shipping but Kohl's free shipping if you spend 75 is now a promo code, it then would not let me use one of the two 15% off codes. (even though previously you could) We have been MVC and do most shopping at Kohl's but not if its like this. Just be warned with Christmas Coming. I will looking for better customer service experiences. I could only use 15% or free shipping. Not both even though it states at check out limit two promo codes. We have been MVC and do most shopping at Kohl's but not if its like this. Just be warned with Christmas Coming. I will looking for better customer service experiences. I could only use 15% or free shipping.

I know that the economy is tight and stores need to make money, but instead of offering a good deal and encouraging me and my fellow moms to shop there. They have alienated us and pushed us to shop at other stores. Land's end had 75% off and free shipping this weekend. Great quality pants, shoes. can return to Sear's store and excellent customer service. Buycostumes.com is offering two deals this month and this is there busiest time. So guess that is where our punk zombie costume will be bought.

Leaving letters for kids?

2010-10-13T01:00:00.004-04:00

I know this has been talked about and my friend who is not doing so well and I were talking about this tonight. People write letters to their kids or grand kids for after they pass.

My son is 10 and it has been suggested to me many times. I have never considered doing it really b/c I have no idea what to say. How do I know my words would bring comfort, when in truth getting letters from your deceased parent could freak him out such as those that do the card for each birthday after they are gone etc...

I have No Last Lecture in me, no words of wisdom or comfort. No idea of a legacy to leave behind. I really struggle with this. Bought books about parental wisdom etc..... I am left with writers block. Absolutely nothing comes to mind. With my mom who my son saw everyday of his life dying suddenly 3 weeks ago, my son takes no solace in the cards that she recently wrote to him.

Be kind to others but don't let anyone walk all over you. Wash your ears, brush your teeth and put the toiler seat down, Try your best in school. Don't drink or do drugs or gamble. Always save for a rainy day. Pay cash, Love fully, Dance in the rain, Once a day is done put its mistakes and problems in the past and look to the new day.
My favorite quote, every 60 seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you will never get back.

That's all the advice I got to give. Not much.....Nothing life changing.

I feel sometimes a pressure to be greater, that somehow I am supposed to turn this tragedy of a terminal illness into a greater heroic story. To Inspire, To comfort, To fill my lifetime with something, to make a difference.

Someone said to me recently, yes my son's life has been full of struggles since he was born, he has a neurological disorder, his mom has been sick his whole life is real dad flits in and out of his life but maybe this is all b/c his destiny is something great, something world changing. I don't want my son to have pressure to be something great. I want him healthy and happy. I pray he doesn't turn to vices to deal with his crappy lot. My son has changed the world just by being in it. My life is so much happier and richer. He is so kind and sweet.

I don't know what words of advice to leave to get him through life b/c I have no idea what life is going to throw at him. Sometimes I wonder if I am too hard on him b/c I sometimes feel like I have to teach him all he will need so when I am gone he can get through this. But I am his world and he mine.And there is nothing to prepare for that loss.

What do I say in a letter??? I'm proud, I love you, I'm so sorry I wont be physically present to see and hear about his life everyday all the good test scores, his first kiss or to comfort him when things don't go well or he has a fight or his heart broken. That I so wish I didn't have to leave him. That I tried my best not too but that I would always watch over him. Good night, Good Bless him and keep him safe....

If you knew right now that you only had a few hours left before you die and you had a sheet of paper to leave your final words, What would they be??? Have you ever thought about that?

days 3 and 4

2010-10-02T16:17:00.001-04:00

well mickey's Halloween was awesome. Then we woke up sleeping beauty. breakfast at the Wave. We were going to do Epcot but it was opening day food and wine. So after stop at arcade, we made it to Universal at 1pm. One thing we found is Universal is much more accommodating those with handicaps etc.... We were helped all along the way. I really didn't want to rent a wheelchair because I am trying to stay as normal as possible but I was barely hanging on in Universal. It felt like a 100 degrees, I was dizzy and my feet and legs were dragging. Thanks to the staff, we did everything Shay wanted in record time Simpson, MIB, jaws, jimmy neutron. will be back Monday for Harry Potter. Stopped at fudruckers on way home and bass pro shop. Today we swam in the pool. We have tickets for so much but I needed a day to rest. Shay got half his homework done.

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closer to heaven...

2010-10-02T10:49:00.001-04:00

Tuesday got off to a wet start, the house is much larger than I imagined. Shay got settled into the reclined then a quick dinner and to bed. was a long travel day but so worth it. He was so excited waiting for plane to Orlando.

Wed, it was off to Hollywood studios. yeah, wait for toy story mania was only an hour.So we got that off his list. His smile said it all. It was all he wanted to do.Had a great meal at sci-fi diner and timed seeing all the shows. lights motors stunt school was very cool.Ioved the Indiana Jones show. Then it was a real treat Domino's for dinner and swimming in the pool. wrestling with Shamu.
Thursday we rested in the am and then checked into bay lake towers for one night compliments of my amazing friends Shannon and Rob. It was amazing. Swam in pool until our room was ready at 430.(thanks to that glitch and Shannon calls, Disney most graciously comped our dinner and breakfast.)
The room was amazing. In fact both Hubby and myself cried bc my mom would of freaked, it was amazing. Dear son took advantage of whirlpool tub me the steam shower and rain shower head.. Then off to mnssh. after crowds to get in, it was great no lines for rides that were open. great parade and fireworks. saw all the parks in that area. then was grateful for the room bc a few min ride monorail and we all were soaking our sore feet in the whirlpool tub, great family bonding.

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Storms in Life

2010-09-27T12:04:00.000-04:00

My mom passed away suddenly at 64. She was my best friend and partner in crime. She was mom to all my friends because she was so loving and amazing. She died one week, from our family vacation to Disney. We hadn't been since I was 6. When my son was 3, she made us drive to North Wildwood for Irish Weeekend in a Hurricane. I was not happy. At one point at the height of the storm, I went out for a walk and yelled at GOD for all the burdens and anger I had with him. Once I got back to the Hotel, the rains slowed to a steady rain, no more high winds. I took my son out to dance in the Hurricane. Because sometimes in life there are unbearable storms. Like the passing of my mom, the one who took me to chemo all the time over 8 years, let me take my bad moods out on her b/c she loved me unconditonally. She loved us all. Sometimes in life you have to take a moment to celebrate that you are actually surviving the storm, It might not be easy but you are hanging on. So we are going to Dance in the storm and head to our planned trip. My dad is staying home . But my son, husband and self will try to dance and laugh during this storm and as a friend reminded me know that my mom is watching the fireworks go to heaven. She is always with us.........
Rest in Peace, mom until we meet again, I love you You were the best. xoxoxo

Every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you can't get back.

2010-09-23T03:23:00.001-04:00

Facebook

My mom and best friend passed away. I can't sleep b/c house is too quiet. My heart is breaking and my 10 to son devastated. Yet tonight flipping through my phone, I saw this pic and it reminded me life goes on even if I have no idea how...

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Last Chance see 1st place Phila vs Mets

2010-09-15T16:26:00.001-04:00

Phillies Group Outings | phillies.com: Tickets

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I ain't no FOOT....

2010-09-09T01:58:00.017-04:00

Four words. I ain't no FOOT. A small island 7 miles in size in NJ. One BIG controversy.

Have you seen the reports on the Huffington Post, ABC News,CBS News, MSNBC TRAVEL, YAHOO and cbs3?

I live on the little island year round. I love the neighborly feeling I get in the stores, from the city, the schools and people in general. Maybe its because if the "Big Storm" comes with only one way on and off this giant cul-de-sac, we are all dependant on each other.

What is a FOOT? mainly an Out Of Towner. What the F stands for that depends. It depends on the out of towner.
See every summer here just as in other tourist towns in NJ and other parts of the country, we get an influx of visitors. So the F in FOOT can stand for the:

Friendly Out Of Towners my son meets each summer on the beach and the friendships they make building a sandcastle or playing beach tennis.

Fantastic Out Of Towners, who spend money in our shops and restaurants. Who are a pleasure to chat with waiting for a table at the Pirate's Den.

Filthy Out Of Towners, the parade of people that rented the home next to mine one summer. They threw trash on my lawn, wine bottles, clothing and cups. They blocked my drive. They drank and partied all day and night. The people who leave trash on the beaches.

Frustrating Out of Towners such as the lady who got out of her car w/o a NJ license plate in front of me, walked into Dunkin Donuts, ignored the 8 of us in line, walked right to the counter and said I want a coffee. She then became upset when told she had to wait in line with everyone else because we all pretty much just wanted a coffee. There are the ones who don't obey traffic laws like stopping for pedestrians. The visitors that forget their pills and need an emergency refill from our pharmacies and then flip out when they have to wait a few minutes. This summer I seemed to encounter more rude visitors. So I guess some days if you are so provoked or inclined you might use a cuss word for the F. (But I can't guarantee Sister Mary Margret won't show up and wash your mouth out)

Yes, I love most of the out of towners. I want you to have fun on vacation. But please don't get upset and yell and be rude to the poor 16 year old working their first job at an ice cream shop. They are our kids. Stop for people in a crosswalk. Clean up after yourselves. This is our town all year. Our clean beach committee cleans the beaches to keep them nice for all of us. Our city workers are here to protect you, take care of your emergencies and help you get a permit for the beach or beach tags. They are sitting behind a desk, in a police car or firetruck to meet your needs not sitting on the beach with their family and friends so be courteous. Brigantine Elementary School has been named the kindest school in NJ. Our kids are taught manners and kindness from preschool to 8th grade. It's ingrained in the culture of the island and I ask that you show the same manners we expect from our children.

According to Ben Zimmer in his well written and informative article Bennies and Shoobies and Caspers Oh, My!, there has been localism for a long time and its not just here in NJ. California has" hondo, inlander, valley and Casper".

I spoke to friend who has worked in tourism for 20 plus years in many areas and she said each place tends to have its own nickname for the out of towners.

So my question is, Why did the little bumper sticker, I ain't no foot go viral? There are 8 pages of Google results for it. From Reno to the national news stations. The term Shoobies and Bennies have been around all my life. Most of which I was a Shoobie until the last decade. I think the attention the sticker is getting is well Freaking ridiculous. I don't see how its any different from those BB, OC, Exit 63 or LBI stickers adorning people's cars. It says hey I belong here.

It seems a jest, sort of pop culture "Jersey Shore" reaction. I don't think it was meant to harm or insult. Brigantine is overall made up of good people, just like most out of towners are good people. I consider myself lucky not to be a FOOT. I get to enjoy this wonderful island and its people all year. To the FOOTs I hope that Brigantine is An Island that you'll love for life.
But hey its just my two cents on the matter.

Respite from Cancer

2010-09-09T01:07:00.000-04:00

I am so excited our paperwork came today from Crossing The Finish Line. We can't Thank you and your supporters enough for this dream come true vacation. Please read about our family and journey Here.
SHHH.... Our son still doesn't know he is getting his dream come true..
Going to wait until I see my oncologist and neurologist next week. Hopefully everything stays a go. Just a few more weeks.

Like a Rolling Stone

2010-08-02T22:37:00.002-04:00

pic from my droid

Today was meeting with the oncologist. She put me in the dreaded consult room and then we waited. In the room full of so many bad memories. The list of good and bad characteristics of my initial cancer before my mastectomy that was down to all bad and only young under good. Finding out about the spread the previous time.
When she came in she had my 8 questions I had faxed and CT SCAN, PET SCAN reports and sat down and addressed all my concerns.
Although CT makes sense and Pet scan makes sense; together they don't make as much sense. Of course I have never been a "textbook" case of anything. It looks like new metastatic breast cancer in the adrenal gland. Lung Nodules that they think are breast cancer spreading but she is going to consult two other physicians and will get back to me.I like that she doesn't play God and think she knows it all. That she takes the time to get all the info together. She said until she is 100% sure its BC mets in the lung she doesn't want to say that. I appreciate that she took the time on her very busy first day back from vacation to sit down and help me understand what was going on to calm my anxiety about what is next.

Basically she said to me, that she gets the anxiety of this my 3rd progression and understands that I have seen those that just go so quickly from their mets.I love my oncologist b/c she gets "it".She cares.

Best way to describe it is. It took me from 2001-2003 to get the stone (cancer) to stay at the top of the hill. Then I sat there on the hill too scared to wander too far away afraid stone would move. Then I decided it was time to venture out there and live more fully. Fell in love, wandered around and enjoyed my son. We took pics of the stone and tried to monitor it to keep it still.

Then last fall it slipped but we quickly got it back up the hill. Now its slipping again and I am so afraid that I am not going to be to stop it and stabilize it let alone push it back up to the top of hill (NED*). I am afraid now that the cancer has spread and my time without disease or times the drugs are working is just a few months (7 months) instead of the 7 years I was blessed to have previously.That scares me that we may never get a hold of the disease and stop it. That its going to get me much sooner that I ever thought.
A rolling stone gathers no moss, not a lot to slow it down.

Many of us have a stone that we try to keep from crushing us. Maybe its a terminal disease, addiction family issues or medical condition. So many things are so hard to push back up hill by ourselves.
That is what I am so lucky to have family, friends and the all important power of prayer to give me strength.

Thanks for being with me

NB (rough definitions) * NED No Evidence of disease Its what us mets gals wish for, means they cant see the cancer on any scans. Stable means cancer is seen but is not getting any bigger nor new areas. Dancing with stable Mable is still great. Progression is when the cancer shows up in new places or is larger or more numerable. BC is Breast Cancer, Mets = Metastases cancer cancer that has spread to distant organs , bones or places (even if its in the lung, its still metastatic breast cancer not lung cancer)

Ahh, the wait begins.......

2010-07-29T13:03:00.001-04:00

So I get a call on Monday morning after getting my son off to camp and chatting with a friend from Church about a gc I won in a raffle. The phone rings, its 9:12 am. No one calls me then unless its an emergency. I haven't had my coffee and am not a morning person. In fact I was chilling in bed.

It was my oncologits. Calling to tell me the Ct scan that she didnt think was necessary but ordered and told me I could cancel showed an increase in size in my adrenal gland, inflammation of pleural lining, nodal disease was unchanged and maybe she said lung nodules. BTW, did I make an appointment for the neurologist from the migrane that landed me in the ER a few weeks ago. yes Ok good. She wants a PET SCAN due to the increase in disease (Disease = dreaded breast cancer mets 've been dealing with for 8 years). They can squeeze me in on Wednesday thanks to the great work of my oncologist's scheduler Kathy. So my good friend Shannon takes off and goes with me. I'm lucky I have good support and lots of offers on how to help. Who is praying , wearing prayer bracelets and there to lend a shoulder or hand. Thanks too for the offers of my friends to shave their heads : )

So I am freaked and stressed. I was spoiled got 8 years out of a drug combo. Been on Xeloda, Herceptin and Femara combo since Dec/Jan. My scans in March looked as good as they get for me, BEAUTIFUL no cancer growing. Now 4 months later, take a look at the scans below. Lots and Lots of new areas in lungs and spine. After not sleeping a whole night. An SUV score that measures hypermetabolic activity. Anything above 2 is def suspicious for cancer anything 2.5 or 3.0 depending on what you read is pretty much cancer. All of the new areas are above two only a few are above 3 are close to it 3.1, 3.3, Almost every new hot spot, glowing orange at me is above 2.5.....

Good Scan March 2010


Latest scan lots new spots, lung, chest and spine

Now Dun DUN DUH......as my son would say. All I can do is enjoy my summer and wait until Monday. My oncologist is back from her vacation and I have a treatment scheduled that day. I will not let them start it until I get the report back. I'm not going to put a treatment that appears to be failing into my body and then start a new one soon.

I would really appreciate any good thoughts, prayers, vibes etc.....I just hope it doesnt ruin the Florida surprise. I know my history but am praying for a miracle that this all some infection or something. I dont feel that bad. But do have a cough and pain in my back. Pain isn't enough to interfere with daily life too much but does hurt all the time. So if it is the BIG C spreading again at least I might get some pain relief.
Also could use good thoughts my mom is having surgery on Aug 11.

Plea for help for local charity

2010-07-08T10:16:00.000-04:00

If you have a facebook Account, please go to
Crossing the Finish Line vote @ Chase Community Giving
like the group and then vote for Crossing the Finish Line.

They were rated on of the top Health Nonprofits see article here.
They helped 2 of my friends whom both passed away about 6-7 years ago. About 2 years ago they sent my friend and her family on a week long trip to Disney.

This is the charity that is hopefully making our dream of a family vacation to Disney a reality. Can you imagine what it is like to get a respite??? My son will be 10 this weekend. He has really over ever knew his mom with cancer. I wish he had no idea about ports, chemo, mri's and oncologist. He broke my heart a few months ago, when he asked me Will you ever stop taking those chemo pills so we could go to Disney. I really want to go on the toy story ride.A break is all he was asking for, a chance for us to be like a "normal" family.

He has no idea that us going is now a possibilty thanks to Crossing the Finish Line.
Now keep the prayers coming that we are all in good health and get to enjoy this trip at the end of September. (one reason we are not telling him until right before we go)

Peace,
Kelly

The elephant in the room

2010-07-05T12:38:00.001-04:00

I guess any time you are diagnosed with a "terminal" illness, your own mortality becomes that elephant in the room for some of us.

I know its there. Some days its presence is so strong; other days you barely notice it. I'm not real big on talking about it, don't have my affairs in order or funeral planned. I just try to be "normal" for family and friends. As long as the treatment I am on is working, then I can ignore the elephant a bit longer.

But then I have a week like last with my mom being sick, my friend going from well to dying in a few weeks.

The elephant is now sitting on my chest, making it hard to move and breathe.

The only way I got through and avoided being trampled by the elephant the last few days was with the love and support of my wonderful husband, family and great friends

Those of us with a terminal illness aren't the only ones who face this, my dad was a cop in Philly so we are used to the worry. As a dear friend of mine from high school reminded me on FB I can't help but be afraid too, because life is so unpredictable. So we spend a little more than we should when we do things for our kids...just in case we may not be able to it again; and we hold our hugs and goodbyes a little longer with loved ones, because we hope there will be a next ..

That is the key, in her taking the time to lift me up and the love and prayers of others, I realized the only way to have power over the elephant and make him move was the acceptance that I am powerless over the elephant. We all are, we can only live each day and pray for another. Pray that life w/o us will be OK for our spouses, kids, family and friends. That the love and support we have been blessed with will be there for them too.

Peace,
Kelly

F$%*kin Cancer

2010-07-03T17:20:00.001-04:00

I got an email from my friend less than a month ago, we've been on this crazy cancer journey the whole time with me. Both with mets and her daughter and my son are just days apart in age.

Her email included how the kids were & I'm doing well, scans were stable, markers came down 11 points which was a nice surprise. Had a brain MRI too which was negative, thank God. I am very lightheaded and get dizzy, especially from a bending down position, muscles and joints so stiff, walking with a slight limp and not sure why, my neck is spasming too. Called my friend who is a PT, have to get a Rx. and he will see me.

Today's email: was that she had mets to the lining of her spine and brain. She was getting her affairs in order.

How do you go from being pretty good, in fact over the last year it was the best she had felt to having maybe 6 weeks to 6 months.

I get so scared, our cancer is similar we've followed a similar path the last 8 years. I have a trip booked for Florida in 3 months and am worried I might not be here. Things change so quickly. Its not how I thought it would go for any of us. I never saw this coming. I still have so many dreams for my life. I want to buy a house, I want to go to Paris and the Bahamas. I want to LIVE and I sure as hell don't want to see another friend die or hear of more kids losing a parent. Just two people I know from the bclists have passed on leaving behind such young kids and all went so quickly.

This disease is so unfair and makes me so freakin mad. She should be planning a 10th birthday party not making arrangements for her kids when she is gone.

Add to it all the health problems, my mom has been dxed with the last month. And I am worried about my son and his future.

Spring

2010-04-05T22:48:00.001-04:00

Spring a time for renewal. The ebb and flow and seasons. Funny how life can follow these ebbs and flows.

Seems like as soon as the rain and snow stopped and the sun came out here, it also appeared in my life. Some much needed good news, chemo is working. Now as the days are getting longer mine are getting more full with my sons activities.

I am still surrounded my good friends and family. I so appreciate my Church bringing me a meal every Monday. Mondays have been the worst but in the last month I have actually made it outside my house twice on a Monday. Small victory but one none the less.

As hope blooms, its also time for some spring cleaning. Removing things and people that don't fit any more, maybe were always a bit too loud, things that rub you the wrong way.

Opening the windows and letting some fresh air into our lives.

Happy Spring.

D-Day

2010-03-11T00:06:00.000-05:00

So in 12 hours, I will know. Are the drugs working? Are there any new spots or problems.

I must say since letting it all Go and as a wise friend once told me. Let Go and Let God, I felt felt at peace. Like its all going to be Ok. Not necessarily, its a miracle and the cancer is all gone but a I will get through this fight. I am at peace and that is a beautiful thing.

Maybe it was coming home from my CT scan last Friday and my son starting singing Here comes the sun to me on the phone. It was spontaneous and beautiful. Then the sun was out Sat, Sun and Mon. and it was glorious. Just being outside

As the song goes:

Title: The Beatles - Here Comes The Sun lyrics
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

It is all right................................

Please hold............

2010-03-02T23:36:00.000-05:00

Story of my life but cancer certainly creates its own holding patterns. I have my scans to see if cancer is growing, if the chemo is working, if there is even more cancer and if I have shot of living to see my son start middle school.

March 11 is the day we find out. In the mean time I have to drink some crap get a scan, get sick from the dye and chalkie drink. then get injected with some radioactive stuff and then SIT AND WAIT. That is the hard part.

Feel like my life is in the limbo right now for the next week or so. Can't make any future plans. Don't want to get my hair cut in case I have to switch to a drug that makes my hair fall out. Just stupid stuff. I want to plan a vacation. I feel like my friends lives are all going places and they are all making these big plans and my life is just stuck. No one gets it. I'm just in a crappy mood tonight. I want to plan a trip to Florida but am waiting for this damn drs visit. My oncologist office sent me the script in the mail on Friday. I still don't have it and it has my time on it. They don't remember what time they scheduled me for. seriously???? I am not even sure where I am going to get it done. People plan to go the gym, hairdresser, dinner, dentist, casino, Church or on vacation. I schedule everything around good days. Sometimes even on a good day I find myself unexpectedly getting sick while enjoying a nice time out and see more of the bathroom of the place then time with my friends. I can't walk too far, can't leave the house w/o all my drugs and creams. Can't sleep. Can't be in the sun (if we ever see it again any time this summer) I live at the freakin beach. Can't even make it through a Monday w/o a nice person from Church making me dinner. Can't fake it anymore when people say I look or good or how am I feeling. My entire world is falling apart how the hell do you think I feel. But at least some people ask. Many people have been running from the hills. So I am sick of pretending its all Ok. Its not. It sucks and its out of my control and all I can do is wait. While you are enjoying your day, your family, your dinner plans, vacation plans, Remember some of us are just on hold. Everything is on hold. How would you feel?

I somehow got on the cancer roller coaster (& I hate roller coaster) and am now stuck hanging upside down in a loop.

What's your poison?

2010-02-17T23:59:00.000-05:00

A breast cancer patient walks into a bar and the bartender asks , what your poison? Xeloda she says. (What you heard it before, not funny?)

Is it poison or salvation???? These not so little suckers are my chemo pills. Three in the am and Three in the pm. Made it through the first six weeks. The weeks are going by quicker. Just wish I knew if they were working.

I will either spend 3 months taking a toxic pill that is doing nothing to the cancer thus the poison or these pills despite their side effects have been kicking breast cancers but a third time thus Salvation.

Not feeling any better, A few new pains and symptoms and the wait for mid March when we get the answer to the question Poison or Salvation.

Moms

2010-02-13T22:36:00.001-05:00

Have you seen this ad? It gets me every time. I cry.

Nighttime is the worst

2010-02-06T19:17:00.001-05:00

As I lay in bed listening to the blizzard pounding the windows, my mind is racing with thoughts of I hope I have enough batteries, etc.... I roll over to stretch out my arms. Just like a blow to the head, it hits me. These arms will probably never know what it is like to hold a grandchild. I can still lift my son even if its just barely now that he is approaching a 100 pounds. He is 9 and turning from my little boy to a glimpse of a teenager or man. As we sat on the sofa last night, just the way he turned his head, he looked about 22. What I wouldn't give to see that. How I hate the cancer some nights for robbing my sleep and smacking me over the head with all that I stand to miss out on and lose.

Really???? I would grab toilet paper

2010-02-05T02:52:00.000-05:00

This was the scene at most area supermarkets today. Some had no parking. I mean not one spot.

Thank God for ShopRite from home. Janet was a lifesaver doing my order for me. No stress for me and didn't deal with any of this. Unfortunately hubby dealt with it all day and will again tomorrow.

Its a snowstorm people, maybe a blizzard but I'm sure you'll be able to get food from store in a day or two. Most of us have plenty stocked up in our pantries.

Craziest I have ever seen it down here.

One month down

2010-02-04T13:37:00.003-05:00

Wasn't sure I would get here. I have one month down on the Xeloda. It's been rough at times. Probably more mentally that physically.

I have always been the glue that keeps the family together and everything running smoothly. I know I am loved by my family and they are all trying to be supportive in their own way.

Just their way is different from what I need. Maybe it's my perception or frustration at not being able to do what I want to or how I want to.

For most everyone in my household, everything remains wonderful. When friends ask them what they can do its always nothing everything is fine.

Really??? Are they in denial???? It's not sunshine and lollipops. I am in such a mental fog, I find planning meals exhausting. I cooked three days in a row and would love for some premade meals from friends in the freezer especially on my long and miserable Monday nights. But its not to be b/c it's all great here.

Funny my sensitive 9yo is the one person I want to protect and keep his life as normal as possible and he is probably the most attune to my "bad days". He stayed with me one horrible day and night I was doubled over with pain. I don't want him to see me like that I want him to be a kid. He offered to help me cook dinner on Monday.

I hear don't worry about us for dinner we can fend for ourselves. Really??? no one is offering to cook dinner for my son or me. I need to eat to take the darn chemo pills.

It's just so hard and I am just so scared. I have two more months until I even know if this chemo is working. So its going along like everything is normal when its about as far from it as it could be. I try to talk to them but get a hug and not much else. I'm just at my wits end.

UGH, started Chemo again

2010-01-04T16:38:00.002-05:00

I found out in Nov my breast cancer was probably back in my chest lymph nodes.

Spent this weekend with my son, went away overnight with the hubby and my best friends from back home came in to take me to lunch.

Finally started on Xeloda today. Its Ok to get an IV hooked up but starnge to take the chemo pills yourself.

So far just dizziness, bad headache and stomach pains. This is my week to figure out what works and what doesnt. Not sure I had enough breakfast in me this am when I took the pills. Tried some coffee a few minutes ago b/c I was feeling better. That didnt taste so good.

I am having a hard time so grateful for the last 7 years that have been cancer free, yet so scared this could be the start of a downward slope. My son is still so young and is so close to me. I hate feeling sick, hate giving things up,hate not being able to go do what I want b/c of the chemo. yet so happy there are drugs to take. All my treatment friends with mets have passed away.

How Kohls.com ruined Christmas. The new Ebenezer scrooge

2009-12-12T16:12:00.011-05:00

I am the queen of online shopping. I live in a remote area with few shopping choices within a driving distance.. Friends always come to me for free codes and good promotions. I mean why pay tolls and gas when I can order online, have it shipped to my door and I almost always have free shipping codes thanks to a host of online sites.

Kohls had a shipping guarantee:

http://www.kohlscorporation.com/ecom/windows/holiday2009/holidaywindows/holiday_ship_1205_1206.html

order by Dec 6 at 11pm and get your order by Dec 11 standard delivery. Placed an order for a Carson Palmer Jersey for my 8 yo Godson on 12/6 at 1pm. He is leaving for England on Dec 18. So I thought even have a few extra days to get it to his mom before they leave to spend Christmas there.

Nope, get an email today. Its in stock along with a few other things I ordered but it won't even be shipped until 12/14 and will be here before 12/24. I call Sports Authority, Dick's sporting goods, Modells. No one can express ship it to me. But their customer service call centers were top notch. In desperation, I try Kohls again and think I will pay for expedited shipping. Nope they don't have the jersey anymore.

I call Kohls 8 times before they even will let me sit on hold. Then I get, "sorry it will get there when it gets there" from customer service after 18 minutes and 46 seconds on hold. Ask to speak to a customer service supervisor. Make this right. I do most of shopping at Kohls and spend a lot of money there each year. She snippy transfers me to you guessed it nowhere. I just get hung up on. I was "randomly selected" to take a survey on my experience when I first was on hold, yet that too somehow disappeared.

Now I promised my dear friend, I would get this for him and it was one of only two gifts for under the tree in England.She is a single mom and can't afford much and was heading home to England to see her mum which left even less money for Christmas. I am left feeling like I just ruined Christmas for my 8 yo Godson.

Lesson learned:

Kmart no longer sucks as Rainman said, It's KOHLS SUCKS!!!!

A guarantee with no repercussions despite the Place your order by the following deadlines to ensure your Kohls.com gifts reach their destinations in time for the holidays! And when we say “in time,” we mean it! Provided your order is placed by these deadlines, we’ll do whatever it takes to get your gifts to your loved ones , really is worthless.

Kohls customer service has no way to reach them via snail mail. And my email got the basic response that I got from customer service.

I will try to never fall for deceptive advertising again.

Deevlopmental dyspraxia

2009-10-08T19:04:00.001-04:00

We got the diagnosis for our son. The neurologist ruled out Aspergers and gave us the diagnosis that we were expecting its Developmental Dyspraxia. A life long condition.

Summer

2009-08-04T01:49:00.001-04:00

We wait 9 months for summer vacation to get here. Then what. It is flying by. So many appointments and not enough days on the beach.

The conversation

2009-04-28T10:23:00.002-04:00

So my hard working hubby is at work the other day. He has been filing in as a sales manager the last month.

Boss: Wow this territory has never looked better. It has not been at its potential for years.

Hubby: Thanks, It took a lot of work but it can actually make money now

Boss: I know you have been breaking sales records since you took over, that is what makes this so strange to say

Hubby: yes

Boss: We gave the position to someone else.

A few more phone calls this week about how wonderful it is and all. Today its officially hubby gets transfered back to his old job, new guys gets a beautiful cleaned up money making terrority.

My hubby has always believed that is you work hard and do a good job, you get rewarded. Today's company's don't seem to operated under that guise anymore. Hubby's old job let him go after 28 years so they could replace him with someone making 1/2 of what he did. they also did it a week before his anniversary so they wouldn't have to pay him any additional vacation pay.

His current company is a good one. They seem to dangle the carrot to everyone and then pull it away after you met their goals. Even the guy that got the job, has been strung along for almost a year so I am glad on one hand that they finally gave him what they had promised him. Although at one point they also promised this job to my hubby. Now they have my hubby thinking another job might be his once it opens up, yet we know they have also said the same thing to others.

I am so grateful for hubby's job, the pay is 1/3 what he made before and we barely scrape by so a promotion would of been nice. But he has health benefits and all. And a job is a job in this economy.

I pray that he keeps his job and I hope there maybe a silver lining in all this. I just wish sometimes companies remembered their employees were people. Seems record profits for some, or what about all the years recently companies were successful, shouldn't they have saved for a rainy day?

Parenting An Only Child

2009-04-15T11:26:00.003-04:00

Any parents of only children out there?

I love having one child. Lots of people don't understand. Even before I found out I couldn't have anymore kids, I still though I might be done with one.

There are many advantages and some struggles. This week is a week of struggles. My son just doesn't fit in. He lacks a social maturity of his peers. His ability to navigate the "saviness" of the playground. The other kids cheat at times or manipulate things to get their way. There is a give and take. My son just gets upset. When kids tease (and its not mean at all) he cries. His friends get mad when they lose and he is gracious loser. He does kick their buts in some games.

My son is sweet, sensitive and honest. Things I thought were good qualities yet I feel like have failed him. Somehow he hasn't developed the skills he need to get along with his peers. He cant navigate 3rd grade and is getting left behind. He frustrates his peers.

I have been watching 2nd and 1st graders also this week. At times he is more comfortable with them but lately he gets frustrated with them. For the same reasons his 3rd grade friends get frustrated with him. Leaving him in no mans land in the middle. He is also the youngest kid in his class.

Have I screwed up as a parent? I had him in a friendship club this year at school to work on social skills, he plays a sport, belongs to Sunday school, I do play dates and this babysitting so he gets the exposure to other kids.

Any ideas?

Surgery Tomorrow

2009-04-06T17:45:00.003-04:00

So I finally am getting my port a cath out. Its been in 7 years and has been used weekly for years and lately every three weeks for my Herceptin. I had it put in right before my first treatment in Dec 2001.

A lot has happened in those 7 years, marriage broke up, moved to a new city and a new way of life, fell in love, got remarried, a few cancer is back scares, a few health scares for my family and lots of ups and downs.

My one constant through all of this is my son. He amazes me everyday. Despite his developmental delays and dyspraxis, his sensory integration and interpersonal issues, he is a happy, healthy and adorable kid. He is so smart. He brings home mostly A's. He works so hard and always tries his best.He is empathetic, sweet and a good kid, who wears his heart on his sleeve. I am so proud of him.

This year I got to see so many changes in him. First off he is close to 60 inches!!!! He more organized, does his work independently, has really been telling funny stories and eats more. He plays water polo and loves being goalie and we have watched him learn to swim. Its so amazing to see him in the pool. he really has a confidence and has found his niche. He was interviewed for our local news on Saturday. I never knew I could love a person this much. I am such a lucky mom and proud of him.

So tomorrow I have to go under general anesthesia am not too happy about this. It makes me sick. A few months ago, I dreamed I died due to my port. Then last night, my grandparents and a few other deceased relatives came to me in a dream. They told me they were waiting for me. So I am a complete crazy anxious mess over this surgery. I am lucky to have such a great hubby who loves me and is putting up with me.

Life's been crazy this week, a problem with a teacher, My mom and I both fell and hurt our right foots and left knees, hubby's job has been a mess. I feel like there is a black cloud and now the surgery.

I have the best friends and family and they have been there for me all the time. I am glad they will be praying for good results tomorrow.

I am just so freaked out right now.

Things that surprise you

2009-03-25T15:42:00.006-04:00

A few weeks ago, my son asked if he could tryout for water polo. Water Polo??? What is it. I asked? I did some research, it looked hard, aggressive and exhausting. I thought, well, he has never asked to tryout for anything I might as well give it a look. Its the first team in the area. Water polo is not a big sport here on the East coast.

Looking back those first few weeks, I am amazed at the child I see in the water. My son works really hard for everything. He has a developmental dyspraxia. He gets special help in school and has problems with coordination making riding a bike and tying his shoes very very difficult.

In he pool, he is focused, he treads water using the eggbeater kick in 8 ft of water for an hour or so. He is really swimming. He never gives up. The coach Mommo Ivetic has a real love of the sport and is so patient with the kids and takes the time to explain each movement and give the kids guidance.

I am just amazed at how my son is doing.

For all the moms out there, sometimes you have to let your kids try something, no matter wacky it sounds at the moment.

AGAIN

2009-02-14T10:14:00.003-05:00

When I started this blog who knew it would end up being a tribute to fallen police officers. I thought it would be a place to share ideas.

Last night a 25 year old Philly police officer was killed. http://www.myfoxphilly.com/dpp/news/local_news/021309_Officer_Fatally_Shot.

It was a pretty routine call. He was shot with a 357 magnum, the thug shot through his coat, so they probably never saw the gun. He leaves behind a grieving family and pregnant wife.

I am so out of things to say on this topic. Its horrific.

The Final Inspection

Author: Author Unknown

The policeman stood and faced his God,

which must always come to pass.

He hopes his shoes were shining just as brightly as his brass.

Step forward now, policeman.

How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek?

To my church have you been true?"

The policeman squared his shoulders and said,

"No Lord I guess I ain't.

Because those who carry badges

can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,

and at times my talk was rough...

And sometimes I've been violent

because the streets are awful tough.

But I never took a penny that wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked alot of overtime when the bills just got too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place among the people here.

They never wanted me around

except to calm their fear.

If you've a place for me here,Lord,

it needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

but if you don't... i understand.

"There was silence all around the throne

where the saints had often trod,

as the policeman waited quietly

for the judgement of his God.

"Step forward now, policeman.

You've borne your burdens well.

Come walk a beat on heaven's streets.

You've done your time in hell."

Just when you run out of hope.

2009-01-27T09:24:00.003-05:00

We are so blessed here. We have food, shelter, and love, lots and lots of love. My parents have helped me out so much. When I was going through chemo they kept a roof over our heads, when hubby lost his job in 2007, they made sure we had health insurance. I could never repay them.

Seems like when things get so hard and you wonder how you are going to get by, God comes through and helps lift your burdens if you trust in Him.

For us, right now we had been really struggling to see how we were going to get past March. We spent many sleepless nights. Now we found out my mom does not need surgery. And they may finally be selling their house that has been an albatross for them for the last 8 months or so.

With so many people out of work and just struggling to get by, I wanted to say sometimes there is HOPE. Financially and health wise 2008 was not a good year for my parents.

We are hoping that 2009 is a year of change, hope, peace and prosperity for all.

Updated Contests of Note

2009-01-19T09:29:00.007-05:00

Check out my Contest of Note Section. Its been updated. In today's economic times, who doesn't want to win some free stuff. I especially love when I get something for me. As a mom, I rarely buy myself anything. Seems my son is always out growing shoes, clothes etc.. Not a lot of money left over for mom.

I have been trying to use my eco-friendly reusable grocery bags. Two of mine are fairly cheesy looking. I found a great contest over at Thrifty Thoughts for eco-friendly grocery bags. My favorite is the Love this planet. Check it out.

Frugal Mommy of 2 girls is giving away a planner from Aaron's Booth, what better way to keep organized in the new year.

busymomcontests is giving away Hoohobbers Personalized Rocking Chair. It is so cute.

Healthy Cooking

2009-01-15T13:31:00.002-05:00

So a New Year's Resolution has been to cook healthier meals. Last week, I cleaned up and organized the freezers and pantry to get an idea on what we have already. I have been trying to plan a few nights dinners out ahead of time, especially for indoor soccer, swim and basketball nights. I also received the Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food by Jessica Seinfeld as a Christmas gift. I am trying to"hide" veggies in my hubby's and son's food. I liked her idea of putting berries out at breakfast or carrots and celery out before dinner so the kids can snack while waiting. No more 'Moooooom I am soooooooo hungry, when is dinner?"

Indoor soccer started on Monday. Using ingredients I had already on hand I made a turkey sausage pasta bake. It was super easy. Barilla plus Rotini, a small amount of turkey sausage I browned in the oven, organic tomato sauce, plus the hidden veggies. I chopped up cauliflower, spinach, carrots in my awesome, can't live without, Cuisinart mini prep. The cauliflower looked so much like cheese, My son even helped sprinkle the "cheese" on top. I added a 1/2 cup of mozzarella and baked it in the oven. During dinner, my picky eater, Shamus told me, "Mom this is very, very, very good". I didn't bother to tell my hubby about the added veggies until alter that night. He was surprised since he hates cauliflower. He couldn't taste it at all.

It was quick and nutritious and easy. Homework was done while it was baking in the oven.

Ironically, homework was on dietary guidelines. Shay wanted to know if dinner had come from a can b/c canned food has too much salt. His health class has him looking at food labels which ultimately with him policing us, will force me to make sure our pantry is stocked with healthy foods. So send me any ideas for quick meals.

Happy New Year

2009-01-02T10:49:00.002-05:00

Where has the time gone.

2008 was def. a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs and 2009 seems be starting the same way.
Jobs are even more unsatble around here. Hubby survived this round but who knows what the Spring will bring.

So many people are struggling. Normal resolutions just didn't see right.

In 2009,

I want to make sure I spend 10 minutes a day really listening to my hubby when he gets in from work. Not doing homework, surfing the Internet, etc... We seem to have lost our time to connect in 2008 and I feel like we are 2 ships passing at times.

I want to stop the insomnia and try to be in bed by 11PM most nights.

Teach my son how to tie his shoes and his multiplication tables. Make this a priority.

Save more, eat out less. (We need to pay for swim team and we need a car)

Cook healthier meals

Learn to let the little things slide.

Learn I don't have to be right.

Not take things personally.

Look on the brightside, let the negative energy go.

Give more to the food bank.

Continue to support my son and his learning team to accomplish his IEP goals.

Sgt. Simpson's Funeral

2008-11-24T11:36:00.007-05:00

One of my first posts here was that on another Police Officer's funeral. I never knew that so soon, I would be writing another post listening to another funeral.

I've kept the blog quiet out of respect, just wanted my home page to be about an extraordinary man. I have no words that haven't been said already, no words to express my condoloences, no words to sum up a life that is over way too soon.

I have always loved this poem and wanted to share it.

The Final Inspection

Author: Author Unknown

The policeman stood and faced his God,

which must always come to pass.

He hopes his shoes were shining just as brightly as his brass.

Step forward now, policeman.

How shall I deal with you?

Have you always turned the other cheek?

To my church have you been true?"

The policeman squared his shoulders and said,

"No Lord I guess I ain't.

Because those who carry badges

can't always be a saint.

I've had to work most Sundays,

and at times my talk was rough...

And sometimes I've been violent

because the streets are awful tough.

But I never took a penny that wasn't mine to keep...

Though I worked alot of overtime when the bills just got too steep.

And I never passed a cry for help,though at times I shook with fear.

And sometimes, God forgive me,

I've wept unmanly tears.

I know I don't deserve a place among the people here.

They never wanted me around

except to calm their fear.

If you've a place for me here,Lord,

it needn't be so grand.

I never expected or had too much,

but if you don't... i understand.

"There was silence all around the throne

where the saints had often trod,

as the policeman waited quietly

for he judgement of his God.

"Step forward now, policeman.

You've borne your burdens well.

Come walk a beat on heaven's streets.

You've done your time in hell."

We lost a friend & Philly lost Another Officer. Sgt. Tim Simpson

2008-11-18T11:34:00.010-05:00

PHOTOS FROM PHILLY.COM CLICK HERE

Last night, Philadelphia lost another member in the line of Duty. Sgt. Tim Simpson was killed in a car crash, when he was hit by a driver allegedly high on heroin while responding to an armed robbery call. He was well known to my parents. He was my moms boss for years and my dad worked with him. I just got off the phone with my mom she is so devastated. He was so funny and loved his kids so much. He was so good to my mom especially when she took family leave to care for me during my cancer surgeries and treatment. It always was do what you need to do. He helped to make my life easier. He helped out the fundraisers they held for my benefit.

From 6abc

Simpson worked in the 24th district, and was partnered with Sgt. Steve Liczbinski the day he was murdered. Liczbinski was shot and killed after a bank robbery back in May, 2008.
Sgt. Simpson spoke with Action News earlier this year about the arrest of Eric Floyd, who was wanted in the death of Sgt. Liczbinski. At the time, Simpson explained that when Floyd was arrested he was handcuffed with Liczbinski's handcuffs. Simpson went on to say that Floyd was told to whom the handcuffs belonged, and why they were being used.
After his death Simpson was named supervisor of Liczbinski's unit. Captain Kevin Hodges of the 24th Police District told reporters, "I had to make the tough decision of who was going to go in Steve's position in 2 Squad. I chose Timmy Simpson because he was a strong leader, a great cop, and an excellent supervisor."
Sgt. Simpson celebrated 20 years on the force just last Friday. And only hours before he died he received an award for outstanding service.

According to Police Commissioner Ramsey in a news conference today, Sgt. Simpson actually took over the squad after Sgt. Liczbinski was killed in the line of duty. Sgt. Simpson was honored as supervisor of the month the same day he was killed.

In all my years, I don't remember a worse time for the Philadelphia Police. This is the 3rd officer killed in as many months. Seven in 2and 1/2 years.

My dad served the bulk of his police career in the 24th. It was a tough district even back then. But cops are a family and they get through the hard work with the support of each other. As family members we got through the hard days with the support of other families. It just stays with you. Even now that I am in another state and my dad has been retired 3 years, I am still shook up by this news. Its like getting notice that a family member has died. To my family, he was always smiling, a proud dad, a good guy and a cop's cop.

Take a moment to pray for and thank those that serve and protect you.

Organic Turkey

2008-11-15T21:34:00.002-05:00

As you know from my blog. We try to eat organic as much as possible. I admit with the economy the way it is and the fact that we have our meet expressed shipped, its been a struggle to get more organic meat ordered. We are just about done what is in our freezer. I love knowing where and how my meat was raised. We do make sacrifices in other areas of our budget to get our meat organic.

Serious Eats is giving away an Organic D'Artagnan turkey a day until 11/23. Be sure to check it out. They have some great recipes there too. I am looking forward to trying the ham in coca cola.

Good Luck.

A big Thank YOU

2008-11-15T12:14:00.005-05:00

I won a Veggie tales The Pirates who do Nothing DVD from Kim @Beanish and Other Languages I'm Learning. She is so amazing. I love her blog and am blessed to have won this DVD as a present for my son.

Please check out my sidebar for other great giveaways hosted by Blog owners.

Wow

2008-11-09T23:17:00.005-05:00

OK so you take a few days off to tend to family business and wow what a different world it is.

The Phillies win the world series and have a parade.

I voted for the very first time.

We have elected our first African American President. No more ads!!!!

The economy is in further decline, our city and county are facing huge deficits.

I am going to be an Aunt again.

My son swam underwater for the first time.

Soccer season is finally over.

I won another contest.

Wow, I am not sure which of these is most topic worthy. My 8 year old had his friends over on Thursday. They were discussing politics and how excited they were that "their" Candidate had won. Shay tells his friend, well John McCain was going to cost us money and he was going to take our health insurance. Obama I am not sure about but he will only cost me $125. So even our youth pay attention to all the political ads. I mean how could they not, they were everywhere. It was refreshing to see them so civic minded. Heck, its the reason I voted. Pressure from my son.

Voting was so much easier than I expected, no lines. Wasn't nearly as claustrophobic at it was 18 years ago, when I first tried it and could handle being in the metal voting booth. Hubby and I actually got coffee and went to the beach watched the coastal storm rolling in to town after we voted.

We are so blessed to have the world's largest sand box in our backyard and the ocean at our feet. As we sat there watching the storm approach, we talked about all the good in our area. Now is the the time when our way of life is threatened by ocean drilling and a sinking economy. So many business have closed, Casinos are laying off their workers, people are losing their homes here. Seems every time we think it can't get worse it does. We are lucky we are getting by but that is only through a lot of penny pinching.

I am thinking November's blog might be focusing a lot what we are Thankful for and money saving tips. Any ideas feel free to leave me a comment.

Pink Ribbon Review Giveaway

2008-10-31T00:10:00.002-04:00

Have you checked out the pink ribbon review. Its a great Blog. Good tips about breast cancer but also to live a better life in general. Karen does an amazing job with the blog and is a fantastic writer.

WOOHOO I was the winner of the espresso maker from her blog giveaway.

Great Song I came across today

2008-10-24T15:21:00.001-04:00

Warriors in Pink Winner

2008-10-24T10:00:00.002-04:00

Thanks everyone. It was so exciting holding our first contest. I loved all the comments and never could of picked a winner. That's why I use the radomizer.

The winner is:

freakdujour!!!!!!

YEAH!!!!! TODAY IS THE DAY

2008-10-23T10:55:00.003-04:00

Today represents the first day of the rest of my life. Seven years ago I found out I had breast cancer. Six years ago today, I started Herceptin for mets. I am so blessed to be here. Less than 18% of women with my cancer get to live 5 years. Although with more targeted therapies, I am hoping to see more. I miss my dear friends Mindy, Marie and Karen. They all died young with children yet they so inspired me to keep going. They are rarely far from my thoughts.

Every year, I try to do something new on this day. This morning my mom and i are going shopping. I never would of made it through all this with out her love and support. Dear sweet hubby works late every Thursday but surprised me,he told his boss he has to leave early today. We are going to dinner at a restaurant we both have always wanted to try. My son is off school tomorrow so he is sleeping over mommom's. Woo Hoo date night.

I told my friend yesterday, that I wouldn't change anything. Cancer has been a curse but been a blessing. I am stronger, happier and have more of an appreciation for things.

Thanks for reading
Kelly

My 3 day story.

2008-10-18T14:59:00.007-04:00

Here is a news story and the video on the page is from our walk in 2005. I didn't know how to pull out the video and put it here. If someone does please let me know. I am the video with all the tents the first one. It was a cool experience. I was so glad that news story focused on someone with mets. Sometimes people with metastatic cancer feel like the Komen foundation and all don't put us out there much b/c we are everyone's worse fear and not good publicity.

It was such an honor to be featured and have mets the topic. It was hard watching this again tough, treatment with steroids and all made me look terrible. It was hard to hear all that I said too. My life is happier than it was then. I actually walked out of the room while replaying this. My son thought it was awesome to see himself on tv though. He was 5 then and didn't get it.

Let me know what you think.
Kelly

Breast Cancer 3day

2008-10-18T14:04:00.005-04:00

Hi All,

Thanks for all the entries into the Warriors in Pink contest. Remember you can enter one time before 11:59EST October 23, 2008.

After surviving my son's first BIG sleepover here. It went surprising well. All the kids got along well and were asleep fairly early. Got all the kids off for soccer this am. It was freezing cold here. Windy all across the open field. Thank Goodness its almost over for the year. We lost 2-0.

I am heading off to the breast cancer 3day in Philadelphia tonight. The walkers started yesterday before dawn. Check out the story on CBS3.com. The picture is from their website.

I have the pleasure of being able to volunteer to give out the Victory Shirts as the walk finishes. Its such a great honor and these walkers have done so much and its such a great feeling to cross that finish line.

I know first hand. I did the walk 3 years ago. It was hard, but such an amazingexperience.

Maybe next year, I will be able to do it again. I might have some video from it. I will look for it.

Have a good weekend.

Kelly

More Breast Cancer Awareness

2008-10-15T15:42:00.003-04:00

Got this email from my friend Angelique today. I am so proud of her. The worst part of her journey is almost over!!!! Just remember to check in on those undergoing chemo. Sometimes we don't know what to say, but that's OK. Just let them know you were thinking of them.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2008 10:32 PM, CDT Now that autumn has settled in and all the kiddies are back in school and all the teachers are back to work, I feel like I am living in some kind of Bizzarro world... it is the first fall in fifteen years that I have not set up a classroom... it is the first October I can ever remember that I have no hair to pull into a pretty ponytail...It's all very strange and surreal. However. I am doing the VERY BEST I can to get through it and be stronger on the other side. I have ONE MORE triple chemo to get through. It is Oct 21. Sometimes I am lonely and sad so I invite all of you to please keep on emailing and calling and texting me. I don't LOOK like me anymore but I am still me inside...Please celebrate with me after 10/21 when I will be done with the nightmare of chemo and ready to slide down the rainbow of wellness again!Much love,Angelique

Warriors in Pink Sweepstakes

2008-10-14T13:00:00.008-04:00

Ok, guys and gals, its time for our first giveaway. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I am giving away a Warrior in Pink package. It is a Ford Warrior in Pink sling bag/backpack. Scarf, car magnet, paper, and pen. Check out Ford Warriors in Pink and their beautiful Virtual Quilt. When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer mets 6 years ago, I was 30 with a 2 year old. My ob/gyn said the average survival was 26 months. Thanks to the research supported by programs like Susan Komen & Ford Warriors in Pink, new drugs and treatments are discovered. What was experimental six years ago; is now standard treatment. I believe I am alive thanks to this research.

To enter, please leave a comment on which warrior symbol from Ford's Warrior in Pink is your favorite. Sweepstakes ends on Oct. 23, 2008 at 11:59 EST. Open to all US residents 18 and older. One entry per person. Inappropriate comments will be deleted and are at my discretion.I will post the winner on this blog within 3 days of drawing. If winner leaves email address, I will email winner and they will have 3 days to respond.If potential winner does not respond within the 3 days prize will be forfeited and an alternate winner will be drawn. Drawing will be conducted using a random number generator. Thanks and Good Luck.

WINNER THANKS TO THE RANDOMIZER IS freakdujour359 said...
I like the angel wings.
October 23, 2008 8:45 AM

Flu Shot

2008-10-08T10:46:00.004-04:00

Had one of my scariest days ever. My son got his flu shot on Monday around 2:30. At 5pm we noticed his eye was puffy like a bug bit the bottom of it and he was complaining his head itched. Closer look hives on the arm where he got the shot. Call to pediatrician, some benadryl and a trip to the ER. While in route to the ER his face swelled and he developed more hives on his face and opposite arm. Turns out he had an allergic reaction to the flu shot. I never thought anything like this would ever happen. Up until he was 4, he was allergic to eggs. He was given the all clear by the allergist and has been fine eating things with eggs in them, although he has never had a whole egg. My pediatrician knew this but said the shot would be fine since it was 4 years ago that he was given the all clear with eggs. So, he is on steroids and benadryl and still has some residual swelling and hives but is on the mend. Just be careful with your little ones.

Going PINK

2008-10-05T18:36:00.003-04:00

Hi All,

Its October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Its not my favorite month. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 29 Oct. 23, 2001. No family history, no risk factors. Had a mastectomy, reconstruction, chemo and radiation all while caring for a 16 month old, working and trying to make sense of my life. The following year on Oct 16, 2002, I found out the cancer had spread. I started on Herceptin on you guessed it Oct 23, 2002. One year later. This disease wouldn't give me a break. I hated October. I felt like every Pink building, ribbon, shirt, ad just threw the cancer back in my face. But I realised, the cancer was winning if I felt that way. I now embrace October and all my fellow survivors. I wear pink, go to luncheons, buy pink products and thank God that I have a cancer that is so well researched, I have outlived the statistics. I am a SURVIVOR. So this blog is going Pink for October.

Remembering Patrick McDonald.

2008-09-30T14:39:00.009-04:00

I wasn't always a small town girl. I grew up in the big city of Philly. My dad,uncles, cousins and friends all were Philly cops. Even my mom worked for them. The cops, civilians, police dispatchers all do an amazing job. The Philadelphia Police Department said goodbye today to its 4th officer killed in the last year and the second in under a month. The funeral was so sad to watch on TV. I never met Sgt. (posthumously promoted to Sgt.) Patrick McDonald. I have family and friends that knew him. He looks so young. Yet was so dedicated. Making his way to highway. Always trying to make the world a better place. I have no idea how those that loved him were able to share their grief by letting the world see the funeral. After watching the funeral and hearing people speak. I feel like the world lost someone great. Being a cops family is hard. Its in your blood, but its hard. My prayers and condolences go out to his parents, sister Megan and girlfriend Joanne Heary(also a police officer).

From philly. com

MCDONALD, PATRICK, Highway Patrol Officer with the Philadelphia Police Department, tragically in the line of duty on September 23, 2008 at the age of 30. Beloved son of Lawrence and Patricia McDonald (nee Gillin). Loving brother of Megan McDonald and the late Michael McDonald. Grandson of the late James and Ann McDonald, and the late George and Marion Gillin. Boyfriend of Joanne Heary. Patrick lived the life of a warrior, filled with pride and discipline. Everything he did reflected his intensity and determination to achieve excellence. Patrick was a tremendous athlete who played football for the Liberty Bell Patriots, Little Quakers all-star team, Archbishop Ryan High School (where he achieved All-Catholic honors), and the Philadelphia Police and Fire Department's Blue Flame football team. Patrick graduated from Archbishop Ryan High School in 1996. He joined the Philadelphia Police Department in January 2000 and was assigned to the 25th police district where his record of excellent service culminated in his appointment to the elite Highway Patrol Unit in 2004. During that time, Patrick completed night courses and earned his Bachelor of Science degree in Criminal Justice from St. Joseph's University. Patrick's many commendations demonstrate his bravery and committment to serving the people of Philadelphia. .In lieu of flowers, memorial donations may be made to the "Officer Patrick McDonald Memorial Scholarship Fund", c/o Archbishop Ryan High School, 11201 Academy Road, Philadelphia, PA 19154.

From: Officer down memorial page.

Police Officer Patrick McDonald Philadelphia Police DepartmentPennsylvaniaEnd of Watch: Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Biographical InfoAge: 30Tour of Duty: 8 yearsBadge Number: 2831
Incident DetailsCause of Death: GunfireDate of Incident: Tuesday, September 23, 2008Weapon Used: Handgun; .45 caliberSuspect Info: Shot and killed
Police Officer Patrick McDonald was shot and killed after pulling over a vehicle.Officer McDonald was on patrol when he stopped a vehicle occupied by two men. When asked, the passenger of the vehicle proved Officer McDonald with a false name. Officer McDonald asked the suspect to exit the vehicle, but the suspect jumped out of the driver's side door and fled on foot. Officer McDonald pursued the suspect for several blocks while requesting back-up officers to respond.Officer McDonald caught up with the suspect at the corner of North Colorado Street and North 17th Street. Officer McDonald and the suspect engaged in a violent struggle, during which the suspect drew a .45-caliber handgun and shot Officer McDonald several times. When Officer McDonald fell to the ground, the suspect stood over him and fired several more shots, killing Officer McDonald.The suspect then stole a bicycle and fled the location, where he was intercepted by motorcycle Officers from the Highway Patrol. The suspect knocked one Officer from his motorcycle by throwing his bicycle at him. The second Officer got off of his motorcycle and engaged the suspect in a running gun battle, in which the Officer was wounded and the suspect was killed.The suspect, who was on parole, having been released from prison just weeks proper to this incident, was wanted for assaulting several Police Officers two days prior.Police Officer Patrick McDonald had served with the Philadelphia Police Department for eight years and was assigned to the Highway Patrol.

Two of my Favorite things.

2008-09-30T10:53:00.006-04:00

I am all for frugality.So, we pack our lunches. I was shocked to find out how much waste we generate from this. Plastic water bottles, brown bags, wrappers, even reusing ziploc bags, you still throw them out eventually. This year, we decided to do better. We all have our siggs. My son has the cheesebone and thinks its the greatest thing. He was in tears at soccer the other day because he had forgotten it and no other water bottle will do. We save so much money with these instead of the 4.99 case of bottled water in addition to being better for the environment. Now our new lunchbox is the laptop lunch boxes. The colors are amazing. My son brings everything home. Now that his schedule has changed. I want one for hubby's lunches.

Please share your ideas for making lunch more environmentally friendly. Also I am looking for healthy lunch ideas, recipes for kids lunches something to jazz it up a bit. We are stuck in a lunch rut right now.

Thanks!!!!!!!
Kelly

Welcome

2008-09-30T10:29:00.002-04:00

Hello,

Welcome to my blog. I live in a small town with one way in and out. Everybody pretty much knows everyone else. As such, I use the Internet to connect to other moms, get some new ideas and perspectives on things, vent, look for new products and recipes. I thought I would create a great new place. This blog will evolve.

I welcome comments. Look for recipes and sweepstakes coming soon.

Thanks,
Kelly